On Leadership

It's been a year since I accepted my "stretch" assignment to Asia! I'm certainly stretching. It's 3:15AM, and I'm still up, after taking two hours of Mandarin classes and working with our US team for a few hours. I believe that I've reached my "capacity" for work. In a given month, I can focus my efforts and attention in only a couple of places. Out of our seven separate teams, that means that a couple will languish without my attention.

I sense some friction from one of my US colleagues, also on assignment. I can tell that he's giving me the "cold shoulder." I know why; my team is faltering, and I've yet to course-correct effectively. One of our engineers, who we were grooming into a leader, quit last week, leaving a significant gap. This happened to coincide with a trip for his peers to the US, leaving us without skills in a key area. In addition, our project is quickly entering a "crunch" mode.

My immediate reaction to his dismissal is sadness / anger / frustration. I know that there is nothing to discuss; talking it out will do nothing. I think it's something I need to handle alone by reallocating people within our teams. Of course the managers that report to me disagree. :-)

It's time for me to start kicking ass. My Mandarin instructor informed me that in Chinese culture, a leader must be dominant and assertive. If someone brokers deals, negotiates, or in other ways is "soft," he is viewed as a bad leader, and loses credibility with his organization. I'm wondering if that happened to me.

My style of leadership has matured over the last year. When I started, I would make suggestions for things that should change. In my previous team, these suggestions were accepted as good ideas (where appropriate, or refined into even better ideas). In this team, any suggestion I give is ignored. Any order I give is followed, even if it's a bad idea.

I have only two trusted lieutenants, and I need at least two more.

Gay Careerist Tip: Surround yourself with those you trust. Don't try to do everything; when your team grows to a certain size, it is impossible to "save the day." As much as it sucks, they have to fail.

To summarize: It's easy to lead a motivated and smart team. How do you deal with the rest of the population?

Layers of Emotion

I've stated many times to my boyfriend that this blog exists, and even shown DJ clever tweets from the twitter account on the sidebar. He hasn't (to my knowledge) found it, however. If he has, he hasn't said anything about it. I'm wondering if it's time to show him the blog. I want him to read through the perceived ups and downs of our relationship, and what's going on "in my head."

I've been living with him for over a week. Over the last couple of days, I feel like I've opened up 100% to him, and him to me. We had our first real argument, ever. I've told him all of the secrets I could think of -- things I haven't even written on this blog. He told me secrets of his own as well. We even had makeup sex.

It was awesome. [five minutes later] Of course, psychology today says makeup sex is a bad thing. Hmm.

I had a talk with a friend about DJ's pot smoking. When I told my buddy that he's sometime smoked right out of bed, his reaction was a chuckle, followed by "He had a wake-n-bake? Ha." Things got serious, though, my buddy learned that DJ'd gone to work high. I asked what I should do, and he replied that it sounded like I'd already made up my mind. :-/

Honestly - I love him. I'm nearly-crying right now. I don't like this aspect of him. We have to talk. We're doing things with friends as if everything's fine. We're even flying to Orlando for a half-marathon in a week! But I feel like there's something bad festering below the surface. When he hugs me, I shrug away, and then warm up to him. I feel like I've put back up a series of mental barriers between us.

I feel like we should talk to a therapist. I've been to one before, when my dad ordered me to go after coming out. I enjoyed the experience, and miss having the opportunity to talk about myself without feeling greedy or selfish. I want us to have the chance to talk.

I can deal with the fact that he doesn't dust, or vacuum, or clean as often as I do. I can deal with the fact that my definition of "clean" is fundamentally different from his. I can deal with my definition of "good enough" being radically different from his. I can't deal, however, with him cheating on me with pot.

~GJ.

Trial by Fire

I'm visiting the US for the holidays! 2012 has been a tumultuous year. Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I moved across the world. I've learned new things at work. I've earned new awards and recognition. I learned a lot about my boyfriend. 

This post is about him, and I'm writing it from my iPad, quietly in bed, while he stays up for a bit reading. 

I've been staying with him for the past week. This is my second visit, and one where we're much more comfortable around each other. We've discussed lovemaking, housekeeping standards, and food preferences. :)

Unfortunately I've learned tht he smokes pot way more than I thought in the past. While we were watching movies on a lazy, wet Saturday, he kept stepping away. I eventually followed him back to his bathroom and smelled pot smoke. 

Am I overreacting? I can't visualize a relationship with a pot head. I just can't. 


Back in October of 2011, he nearly blacked out, high, while we were out with his friends. I had to drive him home. This was my first real exposure to drugs. My second was when we met his home-delivery dealer (didn't know this was such a thing). When they decided to "smoke a bowl," I had a visceral reaction and nearly ran out the door. After this, he apologized and swore he'd quit. He apparently made it a year. 

When I asked later, he admitted to sneaking away and apologized, and told me he'd started smoking daily again since he's been on a 2-month long vacation. He told me that some days he will smoke immediately out of bed, and smoke nearly constantly through the day until bedtime.

He's even gone to work high. 

He doesn't understand why this is a big deal to me. He told me (at 4am, while slightly drunk and possibly still high) that he doesn't want me to make him choose between pot and our relationship, just because he's had a "relationship with pot" for 12 years, and me for only 18 months. 

I feel let down. I feel betrayed. Disappointed. Sad. I've lost trust now. When he leaves the room, I listen to find where he's going. 

He swears its not bad for him. He says that he doesn't "need" it. He says that when he's not smoking he doesnt feel a craving. He's obviously functional and social (not the typical lazy stoner stereotype), but I worry about his priorities. I worry that he said he needs to get high to "feel normal." I worry that he said that when he smokes, he smokes constantly. 

I learned hat the little black spots on his bathroom tile are some sort of resin from his pipe. I learned this because there was one on the fresh clean bed sheets we just placed on the bed. 




Not cool man, not cool. 

Am I overreacting?

Blog Reboot - Incoherence

Taking a job overseas is a roller-coaster ride of emotions. On some days, as I'm walking around downtown Taipei, cutting a path through swaths of tourists as I go about my business, I'm struck by the alienness and awesomeness of being here. The greasy, tasty smell of street food might call. A blinged out Chinese tourist may require a second glance. On other days, my life here seems normal.

I'll miss it.

Work has consumed me from 10AM to 7PM, and 9PM to 1AM (or so) every week day. Balancing that,  I almost never work weekends here. I'm actually writing this because DJ is vacationing with his family, and without phone or email access. I miss him, and only just realized how important even a simple text message is as my day goes on.

My new job is to ensure that my executives' agendas are delivered, on-time, and with quality. My team has, for the most part, disappointed me. Our managers are not hungry for change, or improvement.

My team is ~30 people, which means I have a full Gaussian distribution (see what I did there?) of a software development organization, including tools, development, test, and integration experts. Some of these guys are excelling. Some, though mis-behave. Someone has:

• Nodded his / her head accepting a work item, and then hoped I will go away, or forget about it
• Accepted some assignment, and then done the bare minimum of what is asked
• Demonstrated poor deductive reasoning skills by guessing (incorrectly) in meetings where I know the answer.
• Said "that's not my job!" and failed to follow up on something important.
• Said "I want Job X," and then failed to demonstrate the skills necessary to do Job X when given the opportunity.

Across the ocean, my colleagues have:

• Shown mistrust for our new team
• Set the new team up for failure in small ways (such as failing to send the entirety of a particular project plan)
• Deferred the hard work of training and team growth month-by-month
• Alienated me

Others show great talent and skill by:

• Solving interesting problems
• Accepting assignments, and then figuring out how to deliver on them
• Collaborating effectively across teams
• Demonstrated good critical thinking skills by providing insightful solutions to problems we find

After six months here, I would like to "cut my losses" and fire or push out several members of the team. I have a visceral, negative reaction to at least one of my guys, and don't trust the conclusions of a few others. I can see personality conflicts, and recognize how I want thinks to be, but fail to translate that into reality.

Day-by-day, I struggle with "doing" vs "leading." I know certain things must happen, but fail to communicate that effectively to the team, based on their action or inaction. I also struggle with being an "outsider," and have realized that I actually alienate myself somewhat intentionally (e.g. eating lunch alone).

I find my job frustrating, but for some damned reason, I wouldn't give it up.

One dilemma is quickly arising, however: What is my next job? Manager? Team Lead? Project Manager (hell no!)?

Sorry for the study in incoherence. I'll clean this up later.

~GJ.

--

Gauss Jordan

Chief Deck Chair Arranger, HMS Titanic

Executive Reviews + 1 week of prep work = Vacation!

Gay Careerist: Executive Reviews
Last week, our new vice president and one of our principle engineers visited our new lab as part of a multi-country junket. We had to wine / dine them, tour them around, and finally show them the team that we've built over the last twelve months.

I've learned a few lessons from this experience. First, be sure to offer the option of "doing nothing" to your guests. These guys spent 10 days living in hotels, and had every hour of every day planned for them by their hosts. We fell into the same trap, and after spending a solid day with them, I realized that no one really wanted to be there. Our guests wanted to rest. We wanted to enjoy our weekend. Everyone had an equally good (or bad) time, but no one could get out of the weekend. ;-)

I spent Monday and Tuesday doing reviews with the boss. We sat through hours of meetings which culminated in my assessment of the team, and some technical demos. Another Lesson Learned: Don't do more than three demos back-to-back; everyone starts to zone out. While I don't expect things to change overnight, I did get some good outcomes. I will be meeting monthly with our new VP, which is great. :-) This will net me extra visibility, and also position me  for a new job when I end the assignment.

Lesson Learned (long ago): In any meeting with a decision maker, always always have a list of demands ready to go. While walking to lunch, our VP stopped and asked "So what can I do to help you?" I'd luckily assembled just such a "wishlist," so I could answer confidently and take advantage of that opportunity.

Typhoon on my Vacation!
After days and days of work assembling PowerPoints, I decided to take off Thursday and Friday for some quiet time. Of course a Typhoon blew through on Wednesday evening, shutting down most of the city.

An umbrella got caught in a tree, and apparently caused the tree limb to be ripped down!

After a day of milling around "doing nothing," I met a colleague for dinner that suggested I get out of town on the high speed rail. The trains travel at about 300 km / hr, were quiet, comfortable, and almost serene. High speed rail is the most civilized way I've ever traveled.

Bullet Train!

Since I'm a "Jade" guest, I get a free welcome snack! Mine was "milk and cookies" and a couple of beers. ;-) This is certainly a nice way to start a trip.

After getting settled in the hotel, I ventured out with a tourist map, and saw some of the sights. Meandering around this smaller city gave me a new perspective on my relatively minor problems. The town was small, and very much "old China." Many people were going about their business on a Friday night. Families were eating dinner at sidewalk cafes. Old men were drinking in parks, telling stories (or possibly talking about me). There were glimpses of modern convenience, but only in small areas.

Twilight -- time to find a bar!

Once the sun set, Foursquare led me to a few different bars around town. I eventually settled on one western bar that reminded me of Austin, thanks to its funky artwork, cool music, and "interesting" reading library.

Not entirely sure what the three-eyed lion is up to...

My reading selection for the evening

I paged through "The Dilbert Principle," while doing my best to avoid the siren song of my work email. After a few hours and just the right number of beers, I decided to tab out and head back to the room for a quiet evening.

On my way out, I bumped into a black guy with a crocodile dundee hat. I complimented his hat, and he invited me to join his friends. I drank entirely too much. Around 12AM (I think) I called it a night, and only vaguely recall getting a cab, and only vaguely recall getting to the hotel.

The next morning I woke up, fully-dressed, lights on, window shades open. It felt like it was 5AM. I discovered that I'd apparently been sick the previous night. After cleaning up and showering, I was ready to crawl back into bed to enjoy a few more hours of sleep when I realized that it was 11AM, and I'd missed my train! An hour later at the train station the clerks were kind enough to rebook my ticket for free, and I was on my way back home with a massive hangover, and a story to tell.

When I caught up with my friends, we agreed that I'd had a "Hooters" night (I'll tell that story later), and for better or for worse, that I needed it. I agreed. ;-)

Time for me to find lunch. :-)